Is God For Me?

So my pastor has been preaching a sermon series called "I Quit," and the premise is that trust in God really leaves no room for complaining. I really need this series, because this past year has been one of frustrations.

And they're not over.

And it sucks.

Now, I know that many awesome things have happened to me this year that I never expected, and I thank God for them, but all of those things were kind of out of my control. That's perfectly fine. I'm glad to be powerless at those times. I'm glad God's in control. I think it's awesome. That's not what bugs me.

What's been bugging me for the past year is that I feel like everything I try to do gets shut down immediately or blows up in my face. Especially, but not exclusively, when it comes to finding work. What frustrates me is that: I have a college degree combined with good grades and awards; I have loads of experience in both pertinent and unique areas; I do a good job and have a pool of recommendation from which to draw; and I'm flexible. . .so can someone please tell me why jobs I could do in my sleep get filled by other people?

I understand that unemployment is at a generational high right now. I get that too. It's just frustrating when I see job-holding people who aren't doing as good a job as I would.

So, I'm frustrated. And it's not just the unobtainable work force, I'm talking about. I'm talking about almost everything. Endeavors I try to start fall flat on their faces. Talents I have that I try to expand get mocked. Responsible choices I try to make are the exact opposite of choices I should have made. Nothing's being used for God's glory. . .and I'm trying. That's the killer. I'm actually taking every feasible opportunity that comes to me--even stupid ones. I keep thinking that I shouldn't shut any doors in case these are doors that God is opening. . .But here's where it gets even more frustrating: Whenever I try to pry open a door that's put in front of me, it doesn't just shut--my fingers get slammed in the door.

Now, that sounds like a real pity party, and I know it, and I hate that I even feel it. I know feelings are fleeting and that I'm supposed to be trusting God, right? Like. . .isn't that why God put stuff like Job and Ecclesiastes and Christ's crucifixion in the Bible? So we would see other people's faith in the face of great trial? We would see it and go, 'Okay, I'm stupid for thinking my little problems are that bad compared to Job or Jesus. I should suck it up and trust God because they did and God used them.'

It's hard though, because I don't feel like God even wants to use me. He sure isn't, lately--even when I'm sitting here, open to being used!

This brings me to a feeling I was having this past Sunday after the sermon. Before the sermon, we sang three songs. One of them had a line in it that, after the message and now every time I think about it, chokes me up. But not for the right reason. The line is "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us. And if our God is with us, then what could stand against?" That phrase is so moving, and rightly so. Truly, we are weak and He is strong. Truly, God has promised to abide with us and to be our Protector. Yea verily, He has promised to bless us. I understand. I even agree.

The thing is that when I hear that phrase, I think something dangerously sinister. I think, 'Maybe the exact reason I'm getting stopped is because God isn't for me. . .' I can't sing the song the same way everyone else does right now. For me, that song is a painful reminder of the fact that maybe I'm being rejected by God. I keep praying for direction, but how can I be directed if every avenue is blocked? That's not direction. That's cloistering. That's handicapping. One of them has to get unblocked for direction to happen, right? But it's not happening. I almost had an atheist moment on Sunday, which is ironic because I went forward at the end of the sermon saying I need help, and I never go forward. I even happened to discussed the sermon briefly with the pastor afterwards in agreement, and I don't always get that chance. Irony.

After having these thoughts, the Holy Spirit brought to mind Paul's teaching in Romans about how God loved Jacob and hated Esau. I also began to think about this friend I'd witnessed to years ago, who maybe believes. . .or probably doesn't anymore. I don't know, because he won't talk to me anymore. His problem was that he kept claiming that he believed what the Bible said, but that he didn't think himself one of the elect. He believed maybe he was one who, like Esau, God hated.

So, in my mind, I started down that path this past Sunday. Yes, maybe that's it. Maybe my life is supposed to be a waste. Maybe I am supposed to have talents for the express purpose of seeing what a life does when it tries to trust God, but can't because it is too narcissistic to be loved by Him. I mean, if Esau's life brought glory to God, then maybe that's how mine is supposed to work too.

Then the Holy Spirit made me think of something else. What was the reason that God loved Jacob and hated Esau? The reason was because neither of them were pursuing God, but God chose to show His complete and utter awesomeness by deeming one of those that hated him, loved.

So, am I in Esau's category? Do I hate God? Have I spurned Him? Have I rejected Him? Have I cursed the Spirit? No. I want to know more about Him--even in these rough patches. I read the Bible to see what He has to say and pray for direction. These are things that I want to do, even when my human mind questions my sanity about doing them. It makes no human sense to read about a God that you believe has rejected you, let alone keep reading--not because I'm trying to appease Him or feel good about myself--but because I know in my heart that it's the only real way of getting any direction. Plus, God's cool, and it's fun to read about what He's done. (Plus, the Archaeological Study Bible is just fascinating.)

So I'm not in Esau's category, because I don't hate God. If I desire God then that's pretty good, because God says He won't reject anyone who loves Him. Plus, if God could pursue someone who didn't really care about Him like Jacob, then He will certainly pursue someone who loves Him. I mean, really, I was in the same boat as Jacob at some point. No one comes to God in and of his/herself.

So here's my conclusion on the matter: God's there and He hasn't rejected me. That's all I know to be true right now. I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing. I don't know where I'm supposed to live. I don't know anything about the future--near or far. I don't know how I'm supposed to be used by Him. No clue.

Weird ending, huh? But maybe for the first time I realize why the ending of Ecclesiastes sounds so unfulfilling. "Fear God and keep His commandments." I used to read that going, "Really. . .That's really where you wanna leave it, huh?" But now, I guess I kinda get it. "Fear God and keep His commandments" sounds masochistic at best, but I think that's because we are too Disney-fied and Hallmark-carded to death. Life isn't a bowl of cherries; it sucks. That's reality. Fear God and keep His commandments because eventually God will bring everything to light. When life is going great, Fear God and keep His commandments. When life sucks, Fear God and keep His commandments.

And guess what. If you desire Him, then that's a good sign. . .It might be the only good sign. . .but. . .

Maybe that's more than enough. . .?

picture from: http://jer-skepticscorner.blogspot.com/2010/11/slamming-back-doorthrough-front-door.html