I realize that I am skipping far ahead in Mark with this blog post from where I last left off, but I felt compelled to share a thought that God has been teaching me the past few weeks.
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MY EXPERIENCE WITH PTSD
Earlier this month (August 3rd), I went through a very traumatic event involving the finding of the body of a friend who had shot himself. I didn't actually see the body, but I heard the screams of his best friend who found him, (Please keep praying for him. He is very strong, but please keep praying for him.) and just knowing the guy's body had been there all day, just feet away from where I'd been working all day--a lot of it by myself--was enough to give me some really frustrating symptoms on top of the normal grieving process that occurs when someone dies.
For two days after, I couldn't stop shaking. For the first week, I didn't even recognize my own face in a mirror. It was an event that caused me to keep my back against walls--constantly looking out my periphery. It caused me to jump at the least little sound. It affected my sleep as the tragedy tended to replay itself in the morning just before I woke up and assured that I couldn't go back to sleep. It made me scared to be alone, when I, a true introvert, derive a huge amount of pleasure and joy from being by myself--which then adds frustration to the mix. It has made me uneasy to enter my place of work, my church, because that is where the event happened. I actually wanted to break down and cry when I thought of going into that building by myself for the first three weeks.
Apparently, these are symptoms of PTSD.
I guess I've lived an incredibly sheltered life, because I had no idea how life-altering the effects of trauma could be. They certainly don't show those sorts of things in the movies.
I am happy to report that most of these symptoms are much less intense than they were four weeks ago when the event happened. The last symptom has been my sleep, because that is the hardest one to consciously control. Last night was the first night in four weeks that I've gotten eight hours, for instance.
I wrote this paragraph three weeks after the event (when I first started writing this post):
"Here is the thing. I don't break down and cry. I do stand with my back open to space. I do sit by myself alone--I am right now, in fact. I don't allow it to paralyze me, and I am no longer shaking with fear. However, I do all these things now with the knowledge that I have to choose to be strong, whereas before I had done them without even thinking. I know that God is in control, but now I have to make the actual choice to believe that God is in control and act accordingly. I knew it before. Now I have to choose it."
It is really weird to have to choose consciously that God is in control with every step and move. It's exhausting, and when you aren't getting enough sleep already, it's doubly exhausting. I am happy to report that it is getting better, though! I know that my emotional state is coming more into balance as time is passing, but I know for sure that the majority of my "issues" have dissipated because people have been praying for me. I know that they have because the paralyzing part of the fear is completely gone. After the first week, my pastor's wife prayed over me, and the next day, I actually tried to feel scared, just to see if the fear was there, and it wasn't. It was gone. The weird voices in my head that started telling me to doubt everything and that everything is hopeless were gone. Those sorts of things only go away by prayer.
You can hide them by ignoring them or with wishful thinking, but they don't actually go away without prayer.
When this event happened, I knew myself. And more than that, God knew me. He knew that if I were left alone to deal with this and never asked prayer, I could go to a very dark place very quickly. God really helped me because I hate bothering people for prayer--which is stupid to hate, granted--but He directed me to reach out to so many friends and family members.
If you are one of those people, thank you so much.
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LESSONS LEARNED
I learned some valuable lessons through this that may help you if you are in a traumatic situation.
First of all, you need to talk to people right away.
Secondly, if the people you initially run to aren't hearing you the way you need heard, go to someone else. There are very specific demons who oppress you during trauma by telling you that no one cares and who want you to shut yourself off from humanity. Why? Their main purpose is to get you so isolated that you eventually do something stupid like commit suicide, so that you can be the subject of the next traumatic event and therefore traumatize others. You are nothing but a domino in a never-ending game of dominoes to them, and you need to know that they are there and what they are up to.
Those voices in your head are not from God. Do not act like, "Well, I tried," and give up. There is always someone who will connect with you on the level you need. For me personally, some people seemed disinterested as I explained my dark emotions and told me that I needed to trust God more, not even 24 hours after the event! There were some who wanted to change the subject and start talking about themselves. There were even people who wanted to make it into a kind of joke! I'm the kind of person who wants everyone on my side and when people don't understand what I'm saying, I want to beat the proverbial "dead horse" until they empathize. I am so thankful that God taught me this lesson instead. He compelled me to keep going to other people and keep asking other people for prayer, and you know what? I really got what I needed far more than I could have otherwise. In fact, the people who listened far exceeded the number of those who didn't. God is in control, and God is all we need, but many times God knows that you need to get His love through other people. So to simplify my point: If the first people don't listen, look for others who will, and don't give up.
I do want to say that I don't fault any of these people. I'm actually pretty sure that I have reacted in all three mentioned ways more than once. This is what happens: Sometimes people who love you just aren't in the right head-space, just can't relate, or are going through their own trauma currently and just can't help you. It's not that they won't or don't want to. They just can't. I have learned that I need to give these people grace (especially since I have been the offender myself!) and not take their reactions personally. This is a big reason that you need to align yourself with God, because when you do, His Spirit actually indwells you and helps you to learn these lessons without the resentment that builds up without Him.
Another thing I learned is that PTSD is real. I mean, I knew it was real because of stories of military veterans, and women who have miscarried, but I never understood this stuff first-hand. Now I do. It's more than just irrational fear or paranoia. Irrational fear and paranoia occur when there is really nothing to fear. PTSD happens when worst fears have come true. It's more than just irrational fear or paranoia because those feelings can be reasoned with. You can talk yourself out of being scared over what has never happened simply because it hasn't happened. When worst fears come true, it's a lot harder to reason with those fears.
Another lesson I learned is that writing about the experience really helps. Last week, when I started this post I was still in pretty bad shape, but working on this post has really helped me organize my thoughts. Apparently, organizing thoughts is helpful when your thoughts are scattered to the wind. Who woulda thought?
And now I come to the final lesson and the main reason for this blog post. If something like this happens to you, you need to know that PTSD is more a physical reaction to trauma than psychological. It is basically the "Flight" side of "Fight or Flight" energy and it is just a normal human reaction. It becomes psychological when you start to buy into the demonic lies that no one understands, that you are weird, that you will never get over it, that trauma is going to keep happening and happening and you will never have a normal life ever again, etc.. It's weird to outsiders--especially ones that haven't experienced it or who have ignored it--because it looks like you aren't trusting God. It looks like you are weak and faithless when you are uneasy or scared or startled easily or spontaneously cry or can't sleep. You need to know that those symptoms have nothing to do with the strength of your faith. Totally nothing to do with it.
And I can prove it with the Bible. . .Jesus Christ, in fact.
God gave me the following verses:
Mark 14:32 They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, “Sit here while I pray.” 33 He took Peter, James and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. 34 “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,” he said to them.“Stay here and keep watch.”
35 Going a little farther, he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. 36 “Abba, Father,” he said, “everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.”
37 Then he returned to his disciples and found them sleeping. “Simon,”he said to Peter, “are you asleep? Couldn’t you keep watch for one hour?38 Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
39 Once more he went away and prayed the same thing. 40 When he came back, he again found them sleeping, because their eyes were heavy. They did not know what to say to him.
41 Returning the third time, he said to them, “Are you still sleeping and resting? Enough! The hour has come. Look, the Son of Man is delivered into the hands of sinners. 42 Rise! Let us go! Here comes my betrayer!”
So this is what stood out to me by that story: Death freaked Jesus out too.
Let me explain.
If this had been any other man in this situation, how many of us would have criticized Him as "not trusting God enough"? I mean, look at Him. Even His own disciples had no idea how to take Him. This is the guy who proved to them that God could make them walk on water, that God could calm the storms, that God was capable of anything. And yet, here is the same Guy totally freaked out, "deeply distressed and troubled. . .to the point of death," who tells them to keep watch for a danger that has never happened before (talk about seeming paranoid!). He falls to the ground and starts moaning about God taking a cup from Him. Other gospels tell us that He was in such shock and stress that His sweat was like drops of blood! That doesn't seem like what "trusting God" should look like.
(One more point is that the above verses come from Mark, who as most scholars point out, is the least emotional or embellishing of the gospel writers, and even he records Jesus behaving in this extreme manner. That should tell you something. Jesus was totally freaked out. And that is probably an understatement.)
Yet. . .This IS Jesus we're talking about. Not only was He trusting God, He is God. 100%, in fact--to both points. So how could He have so much trust and still react with such seeming fear? I mean, think about it. He knew what was about to happen to Him (I guess we could call it PRE-Traumatic Stress Syndrome), and while all of His crucifixion was utterly horrendous, He knew what would happen right after that, right? He would be forever glorified at the right hand of God the Father! He would save humanity from hell! Then why was He so worried? Shouldn't he have just "taken it like a man," got it all over with, and just focused on the glory to come afterward?
How many times have you been given that kind of advice during trauma? Don't listen to it! It's not Biblical!
This is the logic that so many Christians have when it comes to other Christians going through trauma. "Let's get past it. Let's not dwell on the trauma. Let's move on. God has better things for us." And while that looks great on paper, and while we shouldn't make trauma and grief into a morbid life's focus, we MUST be aware that we not try to "Out-Jesus" Jesus! If Jesus reacted to death and suffering with such utter grief, and since we can say for sure that He--being perfect--wasn't over-reacting for attention, and since we know that His reaction was a totally justifiable one, we need to remember that death and trauma cause physical stress to our bodies that is outside the umbrella of "not trusting God." Jesus was fully human. Therefore, He was undergoing a fully human reaction to trauma. In other words, being freaked out by death does not equal distrust in God.
Furthermore, because Jesus reacted this way, we should probably realize that it's okay to react this way too. One purpose He came to earth was to undergo all human experience to now be glorified as our holy Example. That means that He had to undergo all human emotion, spiritual attack, physical trauma, and all other life experience so that we could learn from His example. What I mean is: Don't think that just because you have shut down your emotional reaction to trauma, that you are being strong. Strength is not ignoring or trying to move on too quickly from a situation. Remember, Jesus was the strongest man who has ever lived, and He was so traumatized by His impending crucifixion that He wanted to die before He got anywhere near the cross. Again, don't try to "Out-Jesus" Jesus. If you have experienced a tragic loss, you need to have as many people pray for you as you can, versus just ignoring it.
Now...In Jesus' situation, the disciples didn't come through as the prayer warriors they needed to be for Him. He had to rely totally on the other parts of the Trinity. Fortunately for us today, our Christian friends have the Holy Spirit to guide them, and even if they don't know how to pray for us, they just have to be willing and the Spirit does the work (Romans 8:26)! Even simple prayers like, "Lord,. . .uh. . .please be with her. . .?" have power when the Holy Spirit is involved!
Okay, I'm not exactly sure how to end this. I probably should have organized my thoughts even further, but I'm just going to publish this, because I've said all I need to say, I think. But I hope these thoughts encourage someone the way they encouraged me.
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