First, A Testimony

Sanctification--the process of a Christian growing closer and inevitably becoming more like Christ--is something I feel I've, sadly, only recently understood or cared about. Oh, I've been a Christian all my life, but only up till the past few years, I feel I've been in this stunted "milk of the Word" phase. I had all this Bible knowledge, b/c I'd grown up memorizing verses, but I really only knew how to apply them to the surface. This was my own fault.


Honestly, I believe I was a Christian ever since I was five years old in the back seat of the family car. I always knew I was a sinner, and especially since Dad was a pastor and Mom was a Sunday School teacher...I remember thinking when I was in that car seat, "Man, I really need to accept Jesus, or else I'm gonna be in trouble."

I probably was a Christian from that point. As far as the Scripture says, all I needed to do was repent, believe, and trust. I prayed to God all the time. I read my Bible the way they tell you to do. But, I will tell you, I never found any enjoyment in it. Oh sure, I found amazing things in Scripture that benefited me spiritually and physically...but...I never had that feeling like I was communing with the God of the universe "mano e mano" the way missionaries and pastors talk about. I figured they were just making it up to sound pious and authoritative.

I also had a HUGE fear. I knew in my heart that the Bible was God's Word, but...I was PETRIFIED at the thought of telling others about it. I was constantly reminded that the world hates God and as a result will hate me. If they like me, there is something wrong. I was extremely scared...b/c...what is a teenager, let alone a *gasp* GIRL going to say to convince anyone? I mean, I knew that the Spirit would help me...Whoever that was...but...maybe I should just hand the non-Christian person a tract and call it a day? I'm sure the guy in the tract could say what I wanted to say ever so much more eloquently than I could, anyway. Even then, something rubbed me the wrong way about that. Who am I to hand a paper to someone and tell them to read it? The only people who hand out papers are people who are selling something...and cults.

As you can see, I was kind of a mess.

I remember thinking, "shouldn't we be helping the poor and needy or something?" I mean...that's what they did in the Bible, but conservative church authorities always shun that kind of thing b/c of "social gospel". Still, the alternative--passing out a piece of paper...how is that better? No one in the Bible handed out papers. They were bold and actually talked to people. That is not to say that the people I went out "tract passing" with didn't talk. Some of them did. I didn't.

And we come back to the fact that I was petrified of defending my faith, so...I guess hiding behind a paper was the best alternative if I was to be any use to the gospel.

better than nothing.

So after high school, I went off to Christian college in Florida. I got a lot more Bible there. We were required to have a minor in Bible. They taught us to think critically about the Bible we'd grown up believing. There was a spirit of discipleship and caring. While college was really the beginning of my awakening--even after all the doctrines classes and surveys--I still wasn't sure what to say to someone who didn't believe what I believed. We even went street preaching and I remember I would just kind of stand there while the boys talked. I always felt I should say something, but there was still that idea of women being quiet and not usurping authority.

Once again. I was a mess.

The easiest thing to do to feel like I was contributing to "the Kingdom" was to sit around in numerous Bible studies and just pontificate with other Christians about all the stuff we all already agreed with. But...'Maybe God will see that at least I WANT to talk about Him, right? I'm trying desperately to be sincere and that should count for something, right?'

After my freshman year, my parents got divorced. I think probably if there was a period in my life where I might have discarded my faith, it would have been then. Everything I thought was true about my family wasn't true anymore. My parents broke their promises, so...does God break His? Of course He doesn't. My parents are human. God is perfect. I even tried to force myself to be mad at Him--the way they do in the movies--I just couldn't. It wasn't God who made my parents divorce. It was God who helped me through it--even though I barely read my Bible or prayed during that time. I felt like: What was I going to say that He didn't know? He knew everything I was thinking anyway, right?

My first job out of college was in a Christian theatre, so...fortunately...I could just sing about Him and act out characters from the Bible and then afterwards have old ladies tell me how I'd blessed them, and I wouldn't have to actually confront anyone about their souls. Whew. However, that job didn't last, b/c acting jobs only last a few months.

I got another job in a family resort theatre and found out that there were more Christians in my cast than non-Christians...so it was really just a Christian environment all over again. I tried explaining the Bible and things to my non-Christian friends...but I failed miserably, I have to say. I prayed every night that I would get the right words to say and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I hadn't really read my Bible since college. I'd done tons of praying, sure...but I hadn't really seen what He had to say about anything in awhile...how could I have the right words to say if I didn't let Him put the words in my head? How can I expect tomatoes if I never water the plant?

So after that job I determined to get better at Bible reading. I may have failed at that theatre, but I would make up for it...and then I got a temp job at a bank headquarters...

I hated temping...do you really think I opened my Bible? Plus, where am I even going to start? There are 66 books in the thing!!! I could start in the Gospels...but...I know those already. Jesus, right? I could start in Romans--Logistics. Know it already. Hebrews--Ughhh...too deep to start with. Galatians--God's grace. Yeah, it's amazing. Whatever...excuse after excuse after excuse...

I'm not sure if any of you have ever temped...but it's like the worst job ever. Here you are with a degree--all your teachers and professors had all these high hopes for you; you made the dean's list; you were a class officer; you were in plays and ensembles--the spotlight...and then you get out in the real world....where you actually have to work for a living and no one cares about that! They treat you like you have the IQ of pencil lead and pay you like you don't have a school bill to pay. Okay, I'm exaggerating, kind of...but it's a terrible pedestal to fall from.

Anyway--strangely enough--the year I temped proved to be a turning point in my life. I was feeling really crappy and worthless all the time. I wanted to be used of God, but I didn't feel like He wanted to use me. I cried and prayed a lot before falling asleep.

For some reason C.S. Lewis came up--I think b/c I'd just visited Oxford, England with some friends--and I remembered that I had an old copy of a Christian philosophy book he'd written called "Mere Christianity" that an ex-boyfriend had given me b/c he owned two copies of it. I picked that book up and it changed my life. Now...let me be clear here...when I say changed my life, I mean--in an exaggerated way--that it changed my entire outlook on Christianity and God and the Bible. I'm not saying it's the 67th book of the Bible or anything...but it was earth shattering to me that my faith could be defended so boldly in a time other than the Apostle Paul's. In a post-modern era. All this time, I'd thought that my faith was just my faith and it was true...b/c...well...it was true. I hated that I thought that way. Why couldn't it be easier to tell people? If it's really true, then...why is it so hard to defend?


What I learned was...it WASN'T hard to defend. Partly, b/c it's not "a faith". It's faith in a God with whom I have a relationship. Part of what I'd always disagreed with "witnessing" was, people always wanting to defend the Bible with the Bible. B/c, listen, I even tried doing that a few times, and every time they'd say, "Of COURSE you are going to use a Bible verse, b/c you believe the Bible!" And then I'd feel like an idiot and wish I'd never said anything. But when I realized that God can be defended from literally every angle, and the Bible simply explains it all, b/c God loves us and desperately wants us to love Him, then things started to make sense.

I downloaded the complete dramatized version of the NIV and burned it onto Cd's and listened to them in the car to and from work until I'd listened to the entire Bible. (Hint: it only took 8 months. That's less than a Bible-in-a-year plan!) It was amazing. It was alive. I knew it was great from verse to verse,, chapter to chapter, but I'd never experienced it cover to cover! It was the same book, but I was growing.

The Bible was like a whole new book to me. Tired old Bible verses started jumping off the pages in ways my cobwebbed brain had never thought possible. I started getting excited to tell others about God. I really felt the presence of God in the way those missionaries and pastors said. I could see Him work. I found that I didn't care as much about what people thought about me or when "bad things" happened to me. I could see God working in those things now. I wanted to share that experience with others, b/c...God wanted them to share it. People I thought would hate me, were listening.

God wants everyone to come to Him, b/c this is our purpose in life. If you don't believe me, call out to Him and see what happens. This is coming from a girl who has been a spiritual scaredy cat all her life: Do it. I dare you.